I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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