yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Oh god it's open bar.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
