so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
