I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
