3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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