On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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