my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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