sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
