She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize