what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
