I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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