I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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