it was like eating out sand paper
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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