my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
