it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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