my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
