I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
