I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
