She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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