Someone shit on the floor
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
