he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
