I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize