Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
