I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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