i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
