I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
you would pick up someone in the library
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
