Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
