He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize