Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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