Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
