I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How's work?
Spinning.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
try to milk me bitch
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