Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Two words: blizzard sex
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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