So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
