i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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