I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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