My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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