Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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