so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
