This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
