my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
