Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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