There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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