The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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