If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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