i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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