life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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