All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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