it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
