I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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