A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
