I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
