In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
