I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
