I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
