I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
