I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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