i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
