What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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