The maid of honor just puked.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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