I'm so fucking centered right now
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
